Jo's Journal

Must be about time.....
God, so long since I have written anything here. I haven't really written anything anywhere for a very very long time.

Life has been completely crazy and has gone through so many changes I don't really know where to start. Daniel I guess! He's great and I guess it has been what my mother called a 'whirlwind courtship'. I met him at the beginning of January, moved to Taupo with him in February and agreed to marry him in April! Full on, but fabulous! It's great to be in love.

So, I was in the South Island for about 6 weeks... it was wonderful and I got to see a good chunk of the mainland. Daniel got put off work with a neck injury for a few months so we decided to come to Taupo for that time and then go back to the South. But it didn't happen like that, we both decided that we would rather live here that waaaay down south so we decided to stay up here. Daniel has found a job on a farm about 20 minutes from Taupo so we will be living out there. I'll work a little bit on the farm, but mostly I'll be making jewelry and mosaicing. I'm really looking forward to that!

It's nice to be back in Taupo. I never thought I would want to come back, but it has been so great being near family and friends and being in such a beautiful place. I miss some things about the city, friends mostly, but I love it here. And it's really not far to go to Auckland.

I'm well and I am happy. It's a good place to be.

Hey Team.

Probably not going to have time to update my lj and my blog. Blog is easier so it's at

http://joandbenson.blogspot.com

See you all there. xxj

Only 14 sleeps left...
...Wow! I can't believe it's only 14 sleeps to go until I leave Auckland. It seems to have come fast, but not really fast enough. I think that makes sense...

I'm so excited... and terrified and optimistic. But mainly just excited. I'm leaving behind some gret friends, but I know that I will be fine. It sort of feels like the 'old' me is back. I often wonder what happened to that carefree adventurous 'damn the consequences' girl that I used to be. Maybe she's been lying dormant for a while? Maybe she grew up? I'm not sure. Maybe some of that spirit is still there. I like to think it is... Actually, I know it is.

Loves to you all. xxx

I've also started a blog. http://joandbenson.blogspot.com/

It's 9.30am and I have been at work for an hour. I'm so fucking bored. Work is so boring. I've only been at this job for 5 months and already its lost its challenge and I am bored out of my brains again. I just dion't have enough to do. There is only so much work one can create for oneself. I really don't know what to do because there is nothing in the world I hate more than being bored, but I have to work because I need money...... Arghhhhhhhhh! Any suggestions anyone?

I can't quit because I am supposed to be making a career out of this and if I quit a job after 5 months that will look really shitty on my CV. But really, I don't think I can stick this out for another 7 months and make it up to the all-acceptable year. Help!

Although I am feeling like utter shit today, I had a nice experience with a child this morning. I was shelving the kids picture books and the magazines, and this unkempt child approaches me and asks if she can help me. She proceded to shelve the magazines in record time and then asked if there was anything else she could do! So, I am trying to think of jobs I can give her. I went down to the childrens section before and she was straightening the books up on the shelves! Maybe a librarian in the making?

I'm feeling a little bit better about my appointment today. I'm nervous, but I need to know what is going on so that I can do something and know that there will one day be an end to the pain etc.

I have made a few decisions about the course my life should take over the next year or two, and I think that helps to calm the mind as well. I need to have some sort of plan so that I am not drifting aimlessly, I can't stand the just cruising through life not knowing where I am heading or what I want.

Isn't this pretty? This incredible flower is at the Pukeite Rhododendron Gardens on the slopes of Mt Taranaki. Simple beauty, nature just amazes me sometimes.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Long time, nothing written.
And that would be because I don't have much to say these days.

My life has changed a lot in almost every way since I started writing in this thing. The only thing that hasn't changed is that my health is still fucked. Mentally I'm doing well. Physically, not so great. In May of last year I wrote about the terrible stomach pain I was experiencing and the medical profession not coming up with any answers for me. Well, I got an answer; Endometriosis. Since then I have had surgery (November 04), which would spell the end of my pelvic pain. No such luck. The pain is still there and at the moment it is worse than ever. I'm worried for my health as chances are I will have to have more surgery soon. But that is only a small worry compared to others.

I am terrified that I will lose my job over this. My pain is so bad that I feel like I should be at home. I'm having trouble moving and everytime I do, the pain intensifies. I really need to be at home taking the strong painkillers that knock me out. But I can't because I have to be at work. I have had so much time off and I am too terrified to take any more off because of what the consequences could be. No one has said anything. Yet. People don't understand because they can't see the pain, it's not like a broken leg where it's obvious that you are hurting. People just think I'm a Drama Queen. I am contemplating resigning so that i don't have to worry about it. But then I will have money worries, so i really can't win in this situation.

I'm really trying not to adopt the 'poor me' way of thinking, but it's bloody hard at the moment. I feel like I'm being really weak about all this and that makes me feel even shittier. I feel like I should be able to cope better than I am. But I'm worn out. Mentally and Physically I just feel exhausted.

I just realised. That last dumb thing said ýou like cats a whole lot'.
Whatever.
I hate cats.

So dumb.
But then again, I'm in a dumb mood, So it was kinda funny.....

You're Egypt!

Curator of ancient mystical secrets, your life on the surface is fairly
typical these days. Though you are in denial about more things than most people.
Nevertheless, you're trying to convince people that you're safe despite your more
volatile and unstable times that seem to be behind you. You like cats a whole lot.
You'd probably really appreciate The Blue
Pyramid.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

That was fun!

The past week has been a weird one for me. I'm missing Star. I can't quite believe that I will never see her again. I guess it will take me a while to get used to that. She was definitely part of our family and it will be weird not to have her around. In the past few years she was always inmore or less the same place when I got home to Taupo, either at the top of the stairs wagging her tail flat out because she had heard me come in, or laying on the turkish rug wagging her tail flat out (she couldn't be arsed getting up)! I'm not looking forward to going home and not having that welcome.

Benson has come to live in Auckland. It's nice to have a dog all the time but he seems a bit quiet too. I think we might have to move because this house is just not big enough for a dog, even a small one. And it's not fenced and he narks at everything in the park. Even if it was fenced he could still see in to the park and he would still bark. Grrrrr.

I guess I'll just have to be patient. Not one of my virtues!

Goodbye My Beautiful Girl

Our lovely old Star died last night. She was 15. I'll miss her so much.

Current Mood: sad

The joy of playing dress-ups
Fake moustaches. $16.95 a pack from Iko Iko. What more can I say? At least an hour of fun!!

And by the way. I got them for Greg, not with the intention of me actually wearing one!!

The first pic is Charlie, Rachael and Me and the second is Greg, Charlie, Rachael and Gladis.

I totally love my digital camera!!

Current Mood: cheerful

Good riddance...
...to 2004. I started this journal one year, one week and one day ago, and looking back on it, it really hasn't been a great year for me. In fact, it has been a shitter. All I have done is whine about how crappy everything is. Sorry all of you that have had to endure my ramblings. But I probably won't change. This is my place that I write down all the shit that is on my mind. Writing about it somehow helps me wade through the mess and make some sort of sense of it.

On the upside, there has been some good things to come out of 2004:

1. I've made some fantastic friends, who I hope will be around for a very long time. You know who you are and I love you.

2. I have finally settled in Auckland. I still crave home (yes, Taupo is still home) but I no longer miss it so much that I live in perpetual misery.

3. I've learnt to relax a bit, and to not be so hard on myself. I think this came as a result of my mind refusing to keep up the relentless pace with no down time.

4. I discovered Trademe!!!

Despite these things I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2004 in a little under two weeks time. Hopefully sitting on the back of a boat with a glass of wine watching the beautiful waters of lake Taupo.

I hope you all have a relaxing holiday sometime in the next few weeks. You all deserve it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

xx j

It's been a week now since I had the operation. For all of those that care to know, I did have endometriosis, unfortunately it was quite extensive. My appendix was also removed because it looked pretty yuck. And thats what the surgeon told me; 'I took it out because it looked yuck'. He elaborated that it looked like it had had some kind of horrid infection that was never treated.

As for the matter of my fertility. It's certainly not A-grade but there is still the possibility of having children. So I guess I have some thinking to do, as there is the possibility of endometriosis coming back, and my fertility will naturally decline as I get older. Anyway, enough about that.

The first four days or so after the operation were pretty rough. I didn't realise I was having a major operation and I was not expecting to feel so bad. I couldn't move much and the pain was excruciating. Thanks goodness for pain killers. I didn't sleep much either. But the last few days I have slowly been coming right, a little better each day. Still quite sore, but at least I can move around. I actually drove in to town today, which I haven't trusted myself to do until today, so that's an improvement!

I'm quite bored and have read lots of books. Also a bit lonely, I don't really have anyone to talk to. The dogs are lovely and comforting, but they aren't much for conversation! I wish people didn't have to work! I miss Gladis and I miss everyone else in Auckland too. :( I guess what they say is true, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

xxJ

Current Mood: Lonely, but not really sad.

Getting nervous now....
..Yes, only a few days to go. Wednesday is the big day - surgery day.

Feeling a little bit nervous now. Looking forward to it though, in a funny kind of way. Want to get it over and done with so that I know for sure what is wrong and can get on with the business of getting better and getting on with life. Tired of feeling like shit, and tired of just being, well tired really.

I've had my last day at work, so I'm happy about that. Work has been a real struggle for the last few weeks, so now I can just relax and prepare myself as well as possible.

I guess, more than anything I'm scared about what the surgeon is going to find. I know he is taking my appendix but I'm scared that he will find endometriosis too. I know that this is highly likely, it is the primary reason for having surgery, but I just hope that it's not too late. I guess that's really what is worrying me so much. That the endometriosis will be bad and that my fertility will be shot. Just thinking about that freaks me out more than I ever thought possible.

I know that I am worrying about something that might never happen (again), but I just can't help it. It's a bad habit.

Wish me luck guys, and all messages of love and support will be received with open arms!
xx

Rejoice!!!!
The pain has gone!!!

After weeks and weeks of crappy pain and even crappier sleep, I finally bit the bullet yesterday and went to the Doctor and got some decent pain relief. I feel so much better. I had a great sleep last night and today I haven't been in pain. So good. :)

Last night I even felt so good I actually felt like going out and doing something! Shock horror!! So I picked up Joel from work and picked up Greg and Charlie from home and we went to Mission Bay and got a Movenpick Ice Cream. Well, me and Joel did anyway. Greg and Charlie got burgers. I had Chocolate and Caramel flavours and Joel had Macadamia and Vanilla Brownies. Yum!!!

Tomorrow we are having a BBQ at our house and I am really looking forward to it. The weather forecast is good, I've got cool friends, there will be beer and BBQ and fireworks. What more could a girl ask for?

Current Mood: energetic

Endometriosis, Shingles, strange men and Orcas......
...bet it's not too often those words see each other in a sentence!

Long story short; Doctor may have finally discovered what is wrong with me. Endometriosis. Wonderful. I am going to have exploratory surgery on November the 17th. If they find it they will operate and get rid of it.
I was kind of assaulted by a strange man who grabbed my wrist very tightly and put his other hand all over my neck and shoulders and then took it upon himself to touch my boobs. What an asshole. Scared the shit out of me.
I have shingles. Apparently from all the stress that has been a part of my life recently. Dumb.
I saw Orcas when I was coming home on the ferry. It was cool. I have never seen Orcas anywhere other than sea world. Yay.

So that has been my life for the last few weeks. I don't have much else to say.

Except I pose the question; Why do people let you down when you could really use some support? It's like they run from bad happenings and as a consequence, the people experiencing them. Pisses me off. Makes me sad.

Let this be a warning to you all.......
Do not drink even moderate amounts of beer when your system is still full of morphine and other hospital administered drugs. It ain't pretty. I vomited every 15 minutes or so for about 36 hours.
Just don't do it.

Such a long long time.........
Man, it really has been ages since I've written anything down. I'm just lazy really and can't be arsed!

The last few months have been up and down for me. That, I think, is about the norm for me and I think that I need to get used to it. The lows come much more infrequently now, which is a really good thing, but, after a few really good weeks, when the low comes, it's really hard to understand why its all happening. There never seems to be a reason. Which in a way makes them harder to deal with, because I get angry at myself for being bung for no apparent reason.

I had a real downer this week. It lasted for two days and was horrid. There was no reason, and I was just bung. I don't know whether it is better for me to be with people, and try and forget about it (the problem with this option is the risk of me contaminating their good moods), or just wallow in my own pool of self pity and despair (the problem with this option is the risk of becoming even bunger and people thinking I'm a moody bitch and hating me). Who knows?

Ick. Anyway. On to more cheerful things. It was a good weekend. Drinking at the pub and shopping at the market. I got awesome old plates at the market that will make the most beautiful mosaic. Maybe I will finally get around to making one for myself! I've done so many and I still don't have one. It's obscene how happy beautiful old plates and the thought of the resulting mosaic happy. Almost as obscene as how happy Diet Coke makes me!

Speaking of diet coke.....I must go have one!

Interesting isn't it....
...how certain people try to shoot you down because you have the courage and determination to make your dreams come to fruition.

I wonder if they actually want you to fail... or if it is jealousy or envy because they don't have the necessary tenacity to make it happen?

Whatever. It won't deter me. My dream will be a reality!!

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: The terrible tunelessness of the Australian Idol auditions

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